Bitch is back. Lady M has finished converting her ramshackle mansion and has moved back into my dwelling again. Five months, five glorious months she left me alone, not a peep from her. Well I say not a peep, the odd whisper but nothing I couldn’t handle. Until this last two months. It’s almost like she took her summer vacation, went off to the Cotswolds or wherever her summer residence is, came back in a grump and decided to Make.Me.Pay. Let’s get up to speed as it’s been a while since I blogged but nothing was happening, I had nothing to blog, and I have been really busy with a ‘normal life.’ Sans periods. Maybe that was my mistake, Lady M came back from her Summer retreat looked at me; living my best life (sorry I thought I was writing for Towie then) whilst her; back from her holiday, tan fading, a little fatter, a lot more bitter: She wanted to make me pay. And boy has she.
How? I hear you cry. Easy, she made me cry, broke me physically, mentally & morally – because believe me Lady M’ s crimes should be included in the list of moral crimes; Prostitution, Bigamy, Pornography, Illegal Gambling, Illegal Drug use, and Menopause. Moral crimes often involve behaviour between two consenting adult with no immediate victims brought to charge. Actually no, fuck that I didn’t consent for this, I didn’t ask to be a victim of the Menopause, yes I signed up to it; had little choice. Did I think Lady M would toy with my emotions like a pimp with his prey, make my body crave things like a junkie wanting a fix, gamble with my emotions; using my brain like a board game; Russian Roulette meets Twister. Twilette!!! Did I hell. Sure I knew it would be tough, but this. It is another level. And it stings so much more than I remember. I thought I had been through the brunt of the Menopause and its delightful symptoms. I thought that the end was in sight. I was wrong.
There are 34 symptoms of menopause, all varying degrees. I have 16 of them. And to be really clear. None of them bring Joy. Of the 16 I can live daily and not show the impacts outwardly for 6 of them, you know the least impacting ones that only happen daily, weekly & monthly. Most of the time I can cope/bear/hide 6 of them from friends and family & colleagues. Not from Ian – he gets the Joy of seeing me suffer from all 16. He is a lucky guy. But there are 10 of them I can’t always keep at bay, go about my business and live a normal life. How do I deal with them? Here’s my list – who knows it may help you.
1. Hot Flashes, these bad boy took over my life about 5 years ago, remember Bob Tash? I tried HRT, the pill, marina coil. None worked. Supplements, avoiding spicy food and hot drinks and green tea. The supplements that work for me are Vitamin D and Ashwanda. Do some research and don’t just accept HRT from your doctor if you don’t feel it is the right choice, HRT made me nuts, well I was already nuts it just added to it.
2. Irregular Periods, this condition is coupled with up’s and down’s. Obviously the upside is you may not get a period; result! The downs; for me, I still get the PMT, the bloating, the farting, the overeating and the fatigue. So no up’s really. Also they are not just irregular they are brutal….. Seriously I could use Noah’s Arc on bad weeks. Also don’t be fooled, I have recently come out of a 5 month dry spell, my reward? 8 weeks of non-stop bleeding, the worst anxiety attack to date and a belly that would give Stavros Flatly a run for his….. Well belly.
3. Fatigue is a sluggish, tired-all-the time feeling that cannot be remedied with a good night’s rest. Chronic fatigue can occur during menopause and drastically affect quality of life, including putting a strain on relationships, diminishing productivity at home or work and increasing stress. No shit Sherlock. My symptoms on this vary, I am as bouncy as a new born lamb sometimes but give me 6 weeks of bleeding, bloating and blubbing, guess what I am goosed, again I try to keep up with my supplements, Vitamin D and Vitamin B Complex , Magnesium are really good for energy.
4. Memory Lapses, this is very common symptom of menopause, it’s awful at first, you’re convinced you have Alzheimer’s, well I did, I think. No seriously; the way I combat this is to write things down. My short term memory is the worst. Long term great, so I can remember the time Ian bought me a birthday card from the corner shop 6 years ago, ask me what I bought at the corner shop 6 mins ago. Not a chance. The solution to this can be one of two things. You can blag, (stretch the truth; you know like a consultant)  some people are quite good at this. I AM NOT. Or write it down, not bullets mind you ‘word for word’ or a really good tip for work, take a young fit person to important meetings with you to ‘facilitate’ A bit like adding a memory foam topper on your battered old mattress. They will give you some support.
5. Night Sweats these have subsided over the past few years, I have controlled them so they only happen during extreme times, HRT did take these away along with the hot flashes however the benefits didn’t outweigh the negatives. Cotton sheets, zero polyester, defiantly no silk (sorry all you ladies who still have a sex drive and like to get durty). Since I started taking daily supplements the night sweats have subsided. They return with sunshine, too much fatty food and alcohol. Now I understand why Nun’s exist, nothing to do with faith; wool sheets, no sex, a man who never answers back, long dress so no need to worry about flooding, sweating or gaining weight. I am convinced that Nun’s came when women in the past were looking for solutions to menopause and didn’t have access to HRT, Anti-depressants Supplements or Vibrators.
6. Loss of Libido – I have it. No more words. Try everything you can get your hands. That is my advice. When it works tell me. Oh HRT worked for me, but it also made me have bouts of real rage and uncontrollable tears, which meant that Ian got to have sex with a suicidal female who punched him in the face during sex. He is a Lucky man. Oh and men FYI. Losing this pisses some women off as much as you.
7. Mood Swings are caused by the fluctuating hormone levels during menopause which can impact neurotransmitters in the brain. These neurotransmitters, can be impacted when the hormones are out of balance, this leads to erratic moods, extreme happiness switching to hysterical crying, anger or sadness. I don’t have many answers to this, I find mine are better when I stick to my routine of gym, healthy eating and I take Magnesium & Maca Root. I was on anti-depressants but they did not alter the mood swings. I hate them. Identity thief.
8. Bloating. I have suffered from bloating all my adult life, it varies from month to month, this worsens if I am stressed or anxious. It is caused by your Estrogen being erratic; it falls and rises unexpectedly during menopause, so you may experience bloating outside of your normal period cycle. Peppermint tea, apple cider vinegar and exercise.
9 & 10. Anxiety & Depression both caused by the dramatic drop in Estrogen, both have drastically impacted my life so far, the depression floored me about 5 years ago and I needed prescription pills to get myself back together, now I take all of the supplements I have listed to keep this bad boy at bay, and follow a healthy lifestyle. I can recognise the signs and normally ‘re-wire myself’ in a day or two if I feel this coming on. Anxiety comes out of the blue and is caused by a drop in Estrogen which impacts the brain producing Dopamine and Serotonin, this leads to feeling anxious and trouble finding calm. I have recently tried CBD oil. Jury is out.
There you have it, my top 10. I would prefer them to be less of a top ten hit to be honest but hey-hoo at least I beat Cheryl Cole’s last track; what am I talking about? Everyone beat that. The other ones that blight my life but are a little less impacting; are weight gain, incontinence, digestive problems, muscle spasms, itchy skin & insomnia. Basically I am the fat, bloated, sweaty, angry, irrational lady who pisses herself. Don’t forget to say “Hi!” next time I see you. If you don’t there is a chance I will either hit you or hump your leg. Anyway where was I? Oh yeah slagging lady M off, she nearly floored me this time but I am fighting back. Keeping my head above water and thankfully stopping myself from holding Ian’s head under. The bitch might be back but she is not top of my charts.

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