Well hello………….. And welcome back to those of you that care. I have not blogged since July, why? Honestly, I don’t know. It’s not that I haven’t needed too; I have just been distracted with, well life. A happy life? Not all the time. What’s that, had I gotten far too skinny and remarkable and my social life suddenly took a turn for the better? Absolutely not! Honest answer I have been lazy. And I thought I was ok. I thought I had kicked lady M back to her ram-shackled old mansion forever. If you remember I had started to take supplements on a regular basis, I had done my research, put myself through rigorous testing and had come out the other side happier than a laboratory mouse with no extra ears unexpectedly protruding from its back. I WAS HAPPY. Was. Now don’t get me wrong I am not saying I am un-happy. No-no quite the opposite. New job going well, great new team. (I’ll introduce them to you later – you’ll love them) all good on the home front. No new family issues to stress over, relationship great, and sex life marginally better, and I am now a size 10!!! Oh hang on that’s a lie. I am exactly the same shape weight and size as I was when I last blogged. Diet going well you ask?  To be honest the diet did go well, you remember the Keto – low carb – I did get down to 11st 2 lbs. What happened? I’m not entirely sure. But the weight is back, just like the mood swings, outbursts of anger and bloating.

Liken me to a Buddha who has yet to be enlightened – in more ways than one. However I am sticking to my mantra that if I end the year the same size as I started then that’s a result. But it doesn’t feel like it – and here is why. Before I started Peri I was, as I have previously mentioned, 9st 7lb: never changed no matter what I ate or drank. I am now 12st 3llb. Over the past six years I have gained 3 stones; give or take; the odd cake.  Well here is my thinking now. I haven’t put any more weight on this year but I haven’t successfully lost any either. So here it is the next step. LIPO!!!! No seriously I have bought a journal. It’s a full page one and it is lilac. Think Bridget Jones. But here’s the thing instead of writing about finding love, I am going to write about losing one thing and finding another.  Anger and enlightenment.

A few changes have happened since July. As I increased, decreased and eventually found the combo of supplements that keep my Lady M at bay, I also decided to come off my anti- depressants. I was prescribed these about 2.5 years ago when I first discovered I actually gave a shit about what people thought of me. Now before you get all judgemental on me, I have always been mindful of other people’s thoughts, feelings and beliefs, I just didn’t see that mine and their beliefs were rapidly converging. This combined with Lady M knock, knock; knocking on my middle aged door was quite an ordeal. I became anxious and for the first time in my life, depressed. And it is awful. Wiped me off my feet for six weeks, I needed counselling, therapy and of course medication. I was so far at my wits end I would’ve taken anything off the doctor. And I did. Remember Dr Feel good?

But now I am ready to move on – I have ditched all things chemical and replaced it with natural remedies, exercise and healthy (ish) living. And I felt great. FELT. I didn’t just ditch this medication – so carefully prescribed to me after a 3 minute consultation with a medical professional – oh no, I did it gradually. First the HRT, then the anti-acid pills, then the IBS medication and finally the anti-depressants. That is what I have been doing, it’s where I have been – well that and Mallorca. A girl’s gotta have some fun. I have been ‘cold turkey’. ‘ Well turkey’ – the Peri won’t even let you come down in peace. There was nothing cold about this, the flashes put paid to that, however a slight adjustment to my supplements and I pretty much have them back under control.  But they were nothing compared to the other flashes I was about to capitulate to. The all-consuming anger flashes that thundered into my psyche faster than you can say ‘there’s a storm brewing’. They, it, me,  were, are,  foul. And not unlike Lady M herself totally nonsensical. Using various techniques and talking about this stint of irritation helped me to get it under control so I was able to continue working. Clarus was as ever most helpful,’ it’s about choices; don’t attend the meeting if you already feel a stint coming on, or if I felt the stint was turning into more of a stretch, work from home. And talk; honestly’. It worked. It works. I got through it. I was getting through it. At work, at work I was O.K . The hot turkey from coming off HRT hadn’t been so bad. In fact some close colleagues were actually commenting that I had never appeared happier, relaxed, and well, less well angry.

Home life however different matter, the anger and rage I felt as the months have progressed has been difficult to supress. How to describe these outrages? Like a Volcano erupting, Tsunami wave crashing? No this was; is a different type of anger. Gone in a moment leaving obliteration. Remember that cartoon charter the Tasmanian devil? I am like that only taller, with a hairier chin. It’s almost like the acid reflux that’s dematerialised from my tummy has reformed; only it’s in my very essence embedded within my DNA. And I struggle to stop it. I really try. And I know that sounds like a cop out but it is true. I just cannot control them. Don’t get me wrong I’m not spinning around 24/7 destroying everything and everyone in range and radius. It’s mostly just Ian. Bless him. The rage is at its evilest and most ruinous when Lady M’s mate Aunt Flo comes to town. But here’s the thing, one major side effect of the coming off the anodynes is Aunt Flo never leaves town. As I write this Aunt Flo’s just concluded a six week bender. Unlike Lady M she didn’t just squat, that bitch had a down payment; mortgage approved and I have no tenancy agreement. She is accomplished, proficient and more skilled than Lady M. Why wouldn’t she be, this bitch has rendered me incompetent to her wares since puberty, and around her I am ineffectual.  I won’t give up though I am going to fight this head on, pass me that suit of armour (oh and a spare one for Ian if you please). If going into combat with the disreputable duo is on the cards then hand me the pack. I’ll have my poker face ready faster than you can say ‘full flush’.  I have already researched what supplements can help, I’m back at the gym, eating healthy, going to give mindfulness and Yoga a go and have gave up alcohol for the foreseeable. I am back bitches and you can count on one thing I will be looking back at the anger.

2 thoughts on “Don’t Look Back In Anger

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